I am Micky Nick and I am here to guide you through the steps you'll need to take if you think the NSA is responsible for the computer trouble you are having on your home personal computer.
If you are having trouble with a computer used for commercial purposes you will first need to pass a test given by the IRS and then return here with the form of approval from the IRS. See you in a few years.
Now, back to the owners of the home computers which we didn't hack into, but which you think we did.
Believe me, we didn't do it, but we'll pretend we did and that way we can offer you help. Plus I can keep my job here.